me: aw, we have 118 mutual friends..
nivy: yeah.. and we dont like any of them! :O
never want to care about someone too much
I now understand why and how love poems were written, and why they sound so absurdly passionate, and why young lovers go insane in all the films, and why women faint and why men cry in films, You seem to be maintaining the balance while I’m losing my mind. and it all makes sense because sometimes I feel like I could fall to my knees and start crying and screaming and dancing and attacking you all at the same time.
I want to tell somebody that things have gone wrong and I want them to understand that things are very, very wrong but no one knows the whole story or the whole me and no one will listen to all of it for very long, because there are records to listen to and movies to watch and the company I’m keeping are all new friends… just noise, just noise to keep me distracted from terrible events that keep recycling this year, springing up everywhere. I don’t sleep or take sleeping pills, I’m locked in limbo, I’m reaching for bombs or booze or bodies or anything that will keep me from thinking for a few hours, because i always live in my god-damn head 24/7 and need to get out. I can’t stop thinking of every bad or good decision I’ve ever done, every terrible thing someone i love has ever said, every person I’ve ever hurt, , and it goes on that way, two separate streams of thought because there are two troubling conflicts and im still searching for a resolution
Good things are happening, I won’t lie to you. I’ve had some fun recently, despite being weighted down by emotions and memories and sad love songs. If I just keep moving. You said that you can’t keep up with me, I’m too fast for you. It must be true, because when you let me go, I started running and I can’t stop. I’m not running from anything, just in circles and into myself and into trouble but I am burning and speeding just liked I used to, before you. I was afraid of who I would be without you, because you tamed me and kept me safe and close, and I created my own boundaries for your sake. Now those things are unnecessary, and I must find my own limits and my own defenses and I do not ever want to be the same girl that I have always been.
Sometimes I can’t help it and as I’m walking down the street I remember yelling into your face, and all the beauty slipping right off of you, and it’s just your inner-parts staring back at me, then immediately I apologize and your face zips right back into place.
Keane- We might as well be strangers
bored? no. Im honest with my feelings, otherwise i would be stuck in relationships i do not want to be in. i believe in closure, but if the other party wont give you that, the best thing to do is let it go.
As soon as it stops being fun, i’ll run away.
Well, what else could i do? People start to bore me. They all say the same things about asses and perfumes and beautiful eyes, they kiss me and that’s all. We ask each other casual questions even though we already know the answers, I look at them too tenderly at the bar, my eyes are tired and sad because it’s the wrong view to waste my time with. but then they go and it isn’t hard to find another one, a tall dark and handsome boy, vaguely talented and charming enough. I do not want anything from anyone except entertainment and perhaps flattery or company. but yesterday I walked home along the sunset strip listening to mellow music and it felt so good to be alone.
because its nice to love and be loved.. but its better to know all you can know.